Reflections on becoming a PhD: Re-learning to Learn by Valerie Nishi

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.”  – John A. Shedd

My name is Valerie and I am a new doctoral student in Human and Organizational Systems. I was encouraged to write this blog – to share the first year of my doctoral program – so that others may gain some insight from my experience.

My aim with this blog is to tell a “real” story versus the “perfect” story we often make up in our heads about these kinds of “achievements” and the people who actually achieve them. 

If my life were a song, it would be – “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  Given I work in business perhaps Hungry Like the Wolves or Everybody Wants to Rule the World, might be more fitting – but it isn’t for me. I have something hardwired in my DNA that makes me question, search, envision, collaborate and create.

In my formal education my path started with a BSc in Psychology to answer the question – who the hell are we?  Then onto an MBA to answer – how do we make things happen?  And now a PhD to ask – what does it all mean and for what purpose? 

In my informal education l am a world explorer. My life-changing adventures include being lost in a Malaysian jungle, detained by secret police in Vietnam as one of the first foreign travelers after the Vietnam war, witnessing the beauty and struggle of Ethiopia, discovering the Arctic in a retro-fitted Russian ice breaker, and meeting my ancestral homeland in Japan as a 3^rd generation Japanese Canadian.  

I am a career activist – meaning I’ve tried to be an active participant in the ongoing transformation of my life’s work – landing in the field of leadership and organizational development after fifteen years in large organizations. This brings together my business education and experience, my fascination with people, and my commitment to bringing out the best of who we are. 

So in the spirit of being real…

Confession # 1
Writing this blog scares me.  I’m embarrassed to write about myself.  It seems arrogant.  Who cares?  What if it’s boring and no reads it?  Once it’s out there in cyber-space you lose control. 

ANSWER TO MYSELF: You wouldn’t care how much people thought of you if you realized how little they do.  A bit of humour is healthy, right?

Confession # 2
What if I’ve made a bad decision?  Voice in my head goes like this…

Why would you go back to school at YOUR AGE?  What if you can’t CUT it?  Haven’t you paid your DUES?  Don’t you have ENOUGH on your plate?  Your tuition and EXPENSES could buy a waterfront property! You will LOSE 5 or more YEARS OF YOUR LIFE!  I begin to question my decision to pursue doctoral studies.  What have I done?

ANSWER TO MYSELF:  What’s the worst that can happen?  You can always make another decision.  Like most important decisions in life, trust yourself – leap and the net will appear.  The universe conspires.   

Insight # 1
I sat there in my program orientation wondering what I got myself into.  Then someone said these brilliant words “It isn’t about GETTING a PhD, it is about BECOMING one”.  It is about a life of mindful inquiry. About finding your voice and expressing it in the world.  Suddenly it became clear that I had not come to get the PhD as much as it had come to me at a time when I needed it most. 

Now I know why I scrawled out these words on my notebook years ago in my undergrad.  “Education is not a means to an end; it is a means within itself.”

Every friend, colleague, family-member, and client I told about my decision thought it made perfect sense.  I was aching for someone to talk me out of it.  Now I had no excuses or barriers except those I chose to impose on myself.   

So begins a new way of being, of seeing, of un-learning and re-learning.  It forces me to let go of some things I have come to rely on, and embrace new things that make me very uncomfortable.  I am learning to experience this “adaptive space” as a portal to new knowledge. It is hard to be curious and child-like in a world that values expertise and certainty. I am trying to be gentle on myself and silence the perfectionist in my head.  I am learning to trust myself.

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